A few weeks back, it happened. The thing most parents dread. That knock on the door asking for confirmation of your parentage and at the same time establishing responsibility for your son’s actions, “Are you xxx’s dad”, names withheld to protect the innocent.
“Are you xxx’s dad”
We thought we had brought up our son’s with the understanding of what’s right what’s wrong and with an understanding of the importance of being respectful and yet here, we were with that knock on the door. In a fraction of a second, it is amazing the number of permutations you can run of what’s wrong and what’s the issue here as you evaluate the situation. 4 boys at the front door, 2 of them on bikes asking for my son. I mean it is only natural to think the worse and it was bad. I mean bad, certainly not what you want to hear on a Saturday afternoon.
My son was being accused of stealing a boy’s bike, a description was given matching his. Although the perpetrators at the time were wearing a hoody and had their face covered. The account given described 2 boys both with their identity shielded sneaking up on a field in broad daylight and stealing the bikes from under their noses (well actually while their backs were turned). Looking back it is easy to see the problems with their claim but at the time the gravity of the situation was clear. The police had already been contacted and were involved and my son was not at home to defend himself. To compound the situation earlier that day my eldest had made an unusual request for my youngest to bring a change of clothing and apparently there was confusion as to his whereabouts.
The boys at my door believed it was my son and his friend, who was identified through an Instagram photograph. They wanted their friends bike back. Understandable but there seemed to be a lack of evidence and a small element of doubt on their part when questioned. On reflection, I wonder if it was the extent of their doubt or inherent in their character to handle the situation respectfully. At the time I remember thinking this is not good but at least they are being civil about the situation and our predicament. Especially having contacted my son who denied any knowledge about a bike theft. What was running through my mind with them at the door and with a subsequent visit later that day was when are we going to get the knock on the door from the police and face angry parents demanding their son’s bike back.
The whole situation became the focus of that evening when my son returned from his day, further questions were asked by my wife and myself and ashamedly there were doubts in my mind given events of the day. As a parent, you know your son and daughters history. But a bike is a big thing and what my wife and I could not understand was how laid back my son was about the situation. We tried to stress the importance of clearing his name and the possible repercussions. It was a horrible time knowing that having doubts and not believing our son could seriously damage our relationship and equally not protecting and defending him could also have similarly devastating effects. Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable sleep that night for all, although I am not so sure if it was the same for my son who maintained his position and seemed somewhat unfazed, well at least visibly on the surface. As far as he was concerned he was going to go about his business as usual and not wait around to explain himself to anyone.
The next day as expected the boy’s parents came to visit, thankfully they were the type that wanted to talk. My wife was out and about in the front garden and spoke to them first, it was then in the moments from getting out of the car to the walk along our driveway it became clear my wife knew them through her work. How awkward, but maybe it was this that set the tone of the conversation that ensued. On being called to the front door I did make a quick assessment on whether if an argument or fight broke out how to handle the situation. Having had the previous evening to talk this over and talk about it again during the day we explained to the parents the lack of evidence and raised questions around the information we had received which gave grounds to challenge the claim made by the boys. My son was present to give his side of the story and later that evening details were exchanged through social media to help the parents find out what they could.
Over time it became clear that there was confusion and it was a case of mistaken identity not only with my son but also with my son’s friend who was also accused. However, by this time my son’s friend and his parents had also become involved and luckily they were able to vouch for his whereabouts at the time. The whole situation was a mess and whilst no names had been mentioned we were aware things had been posted on social media in an attempt to locate the bike. The situation at my wife’s work was awkward but thankfully nothing came of it.
Looking back there were many lessons learned, expecting an apology from the parents and the child accusers we knew would never happen. So it was in our interest to let that go. Seeing how my son coped with the situation was revealing.
Despite standing on what to us as parents was an edge of an abyss my son chose to do the honourable thing and protect his friend by not giving up his details when initially questioned by the parents. He was more honourable in the circumstances than I was. Thankfully I was able to apologise for doubting him but that was after giving him the Dad speech of unintended consequences and how our actions one way or another soon catch up with us. At the time my wife and I did stress the importance of keeping your parents informed of your whereabouts, but we know that will be an ongoing conversation as he strikes out searching for his independence.
Surprisingly the emphasis of clearing your name seemed of more importance to us as parents. We did site how people have been imprisoned or executed for less all because of a mistaken identity. Truth be told, we were envisioning the reputation damage to both our son and ourselves which we would all have to live with. Yet again a perfect example of parenting worries and how despite meaning well we were imposing our fears of how things could have unfolded on our son who was more concerned with his plans for the day. He knew he was innocent and that was all that mattered in his eyes. In all of this the boys and my son did not really know each other they were aware of each other’s existence through friends of friends but that was it, this was simply a case of mistaken identity. We don’t know what happened with respect to the bike and who was involved but it is an experience we certainly do not want to live through again.